To the guy last night.

[N9ne]

http://detroit.craigslist.org/rnr/854952148.html


L





if the link doesn't work. Just read this.


I was the tall blonde with the nice rack, tight jeans and oh so tan body. You bought me drinks all night long. After the bar closed, we went back to my place for more drinks. After many many drinks we headed back to my bedroom where we started kissing and fondling each other. I even allowed you to get into my panties. I explained to you that I wasn't willing to go " all the way" after just meeting you. Your exact words were " thats ok, we can just lay here and cuddle" i thought that was some of the sweetest words I had ever heard. Little did I know about the ASSHOLE inside you.
I woke up to the birds chirping but couldn't open my right eye, and you were gone. I went and looked in the mirror and saw DRIED EJACULATE on my face and in my eyelashes. I also found it on my breadspread and headboard. You disgusting pig, no it dosent end there. I went to thebathroom to wash your filth off and found that not only had you jacked off in my face while I was asleep, but you also took a SHIT on my bathroom floor.
What kind of peice of shit jacks off on someone when they are sleeping and then shits on the floor. I finally got your mess cleaned up and took a long hot shower, and went into my kitchen to make some coffee. There I find you took the entire 12 pack I bought last night along with a fifth of Patron....So lets recap what happened.
I fell asleep thinking this guy was so sweet and was going to have sex with him in the morning, to waking up with dried cum on my face, in my hair, eyes, on my headboard, etc.. and walking into my bathroom to find a turd coiled up on the floor like a snake ready to attack, and to top it all off, you took all the beer and a fifth of $55.00 patron out of my fridge....

[N9ne]

http://detroit.craigslist.org/rnr/855738396.html



Hey tanned, tall blonde, aka future skin cancer victim, it's the 'asshole' (your words) who you spent time with last night.

I have a reason for cumming on your face, taking a dump in your bathroom, and then stealing your alcohol.

First, your vagina smells horrible. Get that checked, seriously, they have solutions for that. I woke up with morning wood, and was toying with the idea of waking you up for some play, but then I vaguely remembered how bad my fingers smelled, and decided to just take care of myself. It's customary for a guy to give a girl breakfast after spending the night, and that was yours. Which leads me to the next thing.

I took that dump on your bathroom floor because I knew it was going to be a huge one, possibly almost record setting, and I didn't want to clog your toilet. Plus, I wasn't sure how freaky you are, and thought you might enjoy a nice, high-fiber log as part of your breakfast, in addition to your protein-filled appetizer.

Lastly, I didn't STEAL all of your alcohol, we DRANK the Patron last night. Hell, you were drinking 3 shots for every 1 I took. You should thank me for not letting you get alcohol poisoning. God damn. I haven't seen a girl drink that much tequila since that time I got crabs in Tijuana. I took your 12 pack of Natty Ice because I felt you were going to abuse it in the future, and wanted to prevent you from ending up in the emergency room with a tube down in your stomach.

Looking back, I think I enjoyed my self a lot more alone, with your unconscious body, than I could have with you being active. I got my rocks off while providing you with breakfast, took a nice healthy dump without clogging your toilet, while leaving you a hearty meal on your bathroom floor. Then I was worried about your little alcohol problem, so I prevented you from having another bad night and possibly a trip to the hospital, while getting some ammo for my next night out on the town.

In the end, your morning definitely could have been a lot worse, and my night could have been a lot better.

[NinjaGator]

I doubt this is real, but funny none the less!

[Spyder]

LOL that was pretty good (although I'm sure it's fake as Ninja said)

Imagine a girlfriend or friend telling you that happened to them...I'd die of laughter.